If The Three Stooges Were In IT

If you’re in the information technology business, you get questions. Questions that you've answered at least a half dozen times for the same person. And that's just today. They may have asked it a hundred times over the course of the two week project. It's relentless if you want to know the truth about it.

Hey, Where's Your Dignity?

But in order to keep gas in the car, you have to figure out a way to answer them without offending them. There may be many ways to do that, but all of them fail at some point. For example, if you tell them to "Right click and go to properties", they may say, "I'm on an Apple stupid." Which makes you have to fight the overwhelming urge to yell “I know what you are...but what am I??"

Oh, A Wise Guy, eh???

So to keep your sanity, you wind up writing emails that you'd 'like' to send, but never do. I'm not saying it's the right thing to do. I'm just saying if you're in the technology support business, you have some unsent missives in your draft box. This is one of those.

OH. You're an intelligent imbecile!

>>>What are we going to do with the documents that are submitted?
Based on your past history, store them and never look at them again, but refer to them often to give the appearance what you do here is extremely important.
>>>How will the database hold this information? 
By the throat, unless it's male information. We have a different place we "grab them by" in that case.
>>>Where will that data be housed?
In what's called a CyberHut. They are very cute and can hold up to 8bits. And sometimes Y and W.
>>>What will the reporting features look like? 
You remember back in the day, when handwritten reports didn't have a lot of information, but most of it was important?  Well, these won't be anything like that. If I had to squander a query, I'd say they look mostly like that half-pepperoni/half double cheese pizza thing on Domino's website. Very tastily done.
>>>Will the database allow us to pull data from the application in various categories?
You?? Probably not, because there is a certain expertise required to push the button that says 'ALL" instead of the button that says "Which Report Do You Want".  Just message me though... wait...even better...call me. Especially if it's 2AM in the morning. That's my favorite time for those kinds of phone calls.
>>>Will we be able to filter the responses? 
Is there anything in this email indicating I would know how to filter responses?  But to pretend like I care, and to answer your question, No. For this particular project we decided we didn't need filters. It's the only one of its kind in the world, and we built it especially for you.
>>>How do we prepare ourselves in the event that we want to integrate our database with the warehouse databases? 
I'm turning you over to the HR department. In this day and time it offends me that you would be so racist as to infer that we aren't already integrated.

Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk!

Yes, I feel better now.  And the truth is, I can answer all their questions much easier now. The answer is...
42.